It starts out simple enough. My first interaction with a mom or dad of a new client at Peace and Purpose starts with a simple introduction as the family recovery specialist. Often times a family member assumes I’m there to keep them updated on their son’s progress. I tell them that, yes, I can give them a quick update on a weekly basis but my main role as part of the team is to help them with their own recovery journey…a journey that for most of the families I work with will be very hard. It’s a journey that is scary, unfamiliar and contrary to what they have been doing for so long.
I ask them for a history on what they have been through in dealing with their son’s struggle with alcohol and/or substance abuse. Sometimes their responses are quick and chronological in description, but sometimes, the response can spew out like a 2-litre bottle of soda that’s been shaken right before being uncapped. I listen and take notes. I know that spewing can be a necessary step to start the healing. It can help to unload the burden in the brain, to stop or at least slow the spinning in the head. I know from personal experience that I couldn’t start to receive and comprehend new information about what I could do differently until I cleared space in my head and stopped the spinning, that tornado of fear.
From there the conversation takes on a practical standpoint…what to expect in the first week or two, some useful boundaries to set and hold, changing their focus from their sons’ lives and process to their own self-care including connecting to Al-anon and Nar-anon family groups in their local areas. I try to front-load them with information because information can be key to understanding how to take back their own power in the family structure after oftentimes feeling powerless for so long. They ask questions and sometimes take notes of their own. Then it happens. Mom or Dad says, “Yes, but…” I know when I hear that phrase at the beginning of a sentence that they are struggling with the concepts I’ve mentioned. And that’s okay. I’m asking them to do something that makes them uncomfortable, something different than what they have done in the past. It’s the same thing that we ask our clients to do…something different than what they have done in the past which often times involves pushing through being uncomfortable. And being okay with the process.
Hey, I get it. I said , “Yes, but…” a lot when I was new to my own process of family recovery a few years ago. None of what I was being told to do made sense to me, and the thought of doing it was frightening. I also knew that my way of dealing with my son’s addiction had not worked, and I was desperate for another way of doing things going forward. So I took a leap of faith and trusted that the folks giving me guidelines for doing something different knew how to help me more than I knew how to help myself.
So when I hear the “Yes, but…” from a family member, I understand that I’m asking a lot of them. So I meet them where they are at that moment. I suggest that they don’t have to do anything different yet…just think about what I’ve suggested. Chew on it a while. See if they can get comfortable with the idea or at least be willing to be uncomfortable and push through it to see what happens when they do. See if they can trust the process. See if they can take that leap of faith with us. See if they can allow us to do what we know how to do best…recovery. Then if they think they can do something different, we can get to work.
And I let them know that I appreciate their willingness to continue the conversation with me in weekly phone calls or Zoom meetings. It takes courage on their part to do so. One mom said to me recently, “But I just want this to be easy.” I told her that nothing worth working for is ever easy. But it is certainly doable and attainable. And worth it.